I wish I was able to sleep soundly right now. I've not been asleep and I'm exhausted. I feel like an addict in need of a hit. I'm still hurting but I got a text this morning and for some reason I felt better. Maybe because I feel like somehow he still thinks about me, or likes me even. Then I shake the feeling. If that were the case, things wouldn't be the way they are...

Glad Food Network is on til 5am at least...

had a feeling of being so overwhelmed that there are really no words to express anything that you're feeling. Last night I cried for the first time in a really long time and the circumstances weren't ideal but doing so helped to alleviate some pressure from my chest. My crying was just a release of frustration not only about my 'non' relationship, but the sense of feeling lost at times like those, a feeling of worthlessness that is so depressing. I cannot explain how bad that feels. I got home from NYC tonight and while I was very happy to be back in my own element, I instantly became lonely. I sat on the couch for a while trying make myself do the myriad of tasks that I do on the regular. But none of those things seemed important enough to attack immediately. All I could think about was those words...as much as I tried to be supportive of their relationship and as hard as it was for me, it still turned out badly and it was completely out of my hands. Why am I so concerned about whether or not someone I've never met hates me? Hell if I know. Maybe because I try so hard to keep the peace as much as possible. At this point, she is the only innocent one in this entire equation so I have to hold myself responsible. Tis why I feel like such a dumb ass. Any person looking from the outside in would immediately label me the mistress of the equation...and perhaps I am. With that perspective, I have to adjust myself and emotions accordingly. I made a point to do this months ago before he wanted to work on rebuilding our relationship but I know this would happen and I said so. I knew that I would fall for him all over again and that it was going to be trouble because neither or us knows how to be the other's friend without being intimately involved somehow and not necessarily sexually but it's certainly played a role thus far. I've been trying to rationalize this all in my head and to me it's so complicated. It seems so cut, dry, and completely separate for him. That's fine but I want to know how he's thinking about it so I can be at ease with all of this too. Whew. It's exhausting.I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and for me to open myself back up to him and make that investment was a big step. And it was for nothing. Perhaps to put him at ease about finally letting me go. But if that's the case, we could have just forgone that all together and we could have gotten counseling separately.

On another note, Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook is EXTREMELY addictive! I've been up for the past 3 hours playing that game mostly as a way to clear my mind but it is so cool. Ok nite

I can't believe it! You would be 3 years old today!!!!! I shouldn't be sad anymore. I am learning to celebrate today. There is tragedy in it all but I still love you and I hope you always know that. I can't help but think about Beloved every time one of your anniversaries comes around. I am so grateful that you are allowed to rest in peace without being lost between worlds. Maybe you understand what happened...just know that Mommy loves you...and daddy does too. Miss you.

Love you

Mommy

We've all been there. Back in the day, you all remember. Hearing that so-and-so said our pigtails looked stupid or our head was big or that we said something about our best friend that we really didn't and now they're acting pissy. We remember. Playground gossip sucked. It was hurtful to walk up behind people and have them abruptly stop talking, only to realize that they were just talking about you. But have you ever had it happen when someone was saying something nice?

I was "that" kid on the playground. The one who was the butt of every joke, the target of every snide remark. People used to say bad things about me all the time and that's what kids do. But it was the secret comments that really hurt. When girls would come up to me in the locker room and be nice until someone else came in. Or someone would report that a boy likes me and he'd deny like a criminal if I asked (then admit it when no one's around). Or when people would make me suffer 9 months of public humiliation only to write something nice in my yearbook when they heard I was transferring and they'd never see me again. That was the part that sucked. (Don't feel bad for me right now, maybe later, but right now I'm trying to make a point).

Who likes it when someone says they like you and think you're cool BEHIND YOUR BACK? Who enjoys hearing what a wonderful person they are from a secondary source because you're too chicken to say it to them personally? Or they say it when no one's around to be a witness? What on earth is it about losing someone that makes you suddenly want to say all the good things you refused to tell them before? In all the good love stories, someone tells all their friends they're in love but only gets the urge to spill their guts if the object of their affection is halfway down the aisle or boarding a plane to Australia or something. WHY? There is nothing wrong with letting someone know they're a decent human being, that they're a good friend, that they're special to you, that you like them or even that you love them. But there's something inhumanly indecent with telling them in private or telling everyone but them. A man waited 18 years to marry the woman of his dreams and now he's brain dead. In about 45 minutes, she's going to find out that her husband won't wake up. His friends and family knew how much he loved her but he only just told her on Wednesday. After 18 years of being in love, she'll only have gotten to enjoy 48 hours of marriage and I promise you, once she's over the shock, she will wonder why they took so freaking long.

People can't be held at arms length. It doesn't work on infants, it doesn't work on adults. I guarantee you, whoever you're doing that to hates it with a passion. Men and women alike need to know that they matter. I needed it at age 13 and I'm not ashamed to say I need it now. Don't wait till I've moved on to try to win me back. Don't wait until I've got one foot in the grave or am halfway to Australia to say all these wonderful things about me and spew on about how much you loved me. Because I need to know. We all do. So I'm telling you now not to ever make me have to wait to know how you feel. If you're reading this, know that I love you. I'm telling you before my chance is gone. I love you. And if you love me then love me out loud. Love me to my face.

So I went to see 11 with J and the fam in Nebraska this weekend. The game against FAU was really a great game and the atmosphere was amazing...small town girl, seeing so many people all unified in red, black, and white chanting Go Big RED or Suh, was just mind boggling. Anyway, I had a great time. I was of course very apprehensive about going seeing that my trip companion is in a relationship. It didn't necessarily have anything to with him moreso than not knowing how I would feel about him after all this time, especially with him having a girlfriend. I don't dislike her like the other. This one seems completely clear of anything we had and they are able to have a fair and honest relationship without any interference from me. I actually mentioned it to him. Not sure how he felt about it since he just said I hear you but I love him. Always will, always have and I don't think any one deserves to be on his arm more than I, just by sheer virtue of how much we have endured together. He will always be my babe. BUT i digress. I said all of this to say that I want him to be happy and not to mess up a seemingly perfect relationship because of the unwillingness to let the past be in the past. I know he loves me too but I may just not be the one for him. I have come to terms with that. Its taken me years, but I okay with the fact that I won't be Mrs., not his anyway. Whoever she may be is very lucky.

All in all, I had a fantastic weekend. I had a blast getting to spend time with him just like old times. It was comforting to still have him there after all this time. So this was my weekend lived.

The great and exciting thing about school is the refund. For those of you who get them, you understand how exciting it may be. For me, I was excited about getting the opportunity to finally catch up on bills and get textbooks for school etc. It came in on Friday, the day I left for Nebraska. I'd been running errands, working, getting packed etc so after cashing it, I had no time to do anything else but head to the airport which my neighbor so graciously agreed to do. Upon getting there I realized that I had over $2500 with me and I was NOT about to take that amount of money with me seeing that I have the worst luck when it comes to things like that. SO I asked my neighbor to take it back to my house for me. He agreed no problem... here's the kicker. I get back from my trip and he's pissed. On his way to pick me up, he stops at the gas station to fill up, take a leak, and get a few snacks. Upon returning to the car he sees 3 cops and about 4 angry and upset people outside their cars. Apparently, there were random, quick smash and grab type burglaries withing a span of maybe 5 or 6 minutes. Everything from peoples car stereos, baby car seats, to clothes, and food had vanished...not to mention my neighbor's brand new laptop and my newly received refund of $2500...ain't that a bitch? I could tell when he told me that he expected me to tear him a new one but what could I do? Hell yeah I was angry! But it wasn't his fault and I had paid off my obligations so I wasn't too pressed to have money immediately thank God. So I was just chill. Poor thing feels so bad that he's committed to paying me back and he's given me $700 so far but evidently it wasn't in the plan for me to have so much money. A continued lesson in modesty and humbleness for me...the story of my life. I just thought it was so freaking ironic...life gives you lemons and ya make lemonade I guess.

Over the last month, my life has taken so many twists and turns. Who would have thought that God could deliver so much just by giving it all to Him. It was so hard to just let go. The idea of not knowing what will happen in the next phase of my life was frightening to say the least but I am overjoyed that I did. not only did he bless me beyond my wildest expectations but he brought me back to the church I love so much, he brought my Daniel back (even though he's not mine lol), and has started me on a journey to be remembered in the hearts of young women forever at GGC. I can't wait to charter this chapter. I am so excited and moreso, ecstatic at the overwhelming amount of support I have received.!!

This year has been great. 2009 has been so much more stable than any other year since I was out on my own. Work is going well, my adopted little ones are coming along great, home life has quieted down, and I can't say enough about the importance of friends and family. I have made an attempt to re-evaluate my interactions with my exes, people I have "messed around" with, etc. In doing so, I wanted to continue to maintain a relationship with an ex even supporting his current girlfriend. However, I am not ready. I still have feelings for him. Therefore, I don't want to facilitate the feelings of inadequacy I maintain by comparing myself and my relationship with him to that of which he has with her. She seems very nice, put together, she's gorgeous, and seems like a great fit for him. LOL but I think it's hilarious that I find myself wondering if I lived in MD if he would come visit me as much as he does her. That's when I knew I was not ready to be 'friends'. Its just too hard. I think he may be naive to the fact that though I want to support his relationship, in the back of my mind, I wish it were me. I don't want to be like the other girls he claims are clinging to him. Definitely not that. He's made it clear that all the old girlfriends are officially in the clump of 'shunned if mentioned' category. At any rate, I want to keep things lite and airy. Not too heavy with us. But like I was explaining to my one of my girlfriends, when I see pictures of them and her and how lame he is for her, man my heart just drops. It's like he's putting on a show, convincing facebook that he's finally got it together, trying to let everyone know that 'all he needs in this life of sin'...ah well. So I decided to let it all go. It was nice. He loves me, right? But there have been 2 since me. I'm not even in the picture. So why fool myself? I honestly wish he would just say yes she's my girl, I'm not feeling you like that anymore and I think you should just go your own way. I would rather him be blunt, straight forward, straight to the point, brash...whatever. just say it! i'm tired of the insinuating. I'm tired of boo this, sweetie that. It's just too ambiguous. Even though he says he has explained to his new love interest the company he keeps, I wonder what woman would be ok with her man fathering a child with an ex that he claims to still be in love with. Something tells me that all the story wasn't told. Whomp whomp...good thing is that I don't have to wake up every morning to see mushy pictures of them posted into my profile anymore! I can keep the 2 years knocked off my life everytime I saw that...guess that's the big plus these days.

I am racking my brain trying to figure out why I am in my room in tears. I cannot find in the depths of my mind any reason for anyone to ignore me after I have explicitly all but begged to talk to me and tell me what is wrong. If someone had done something so wrong that it pissed me off to the point of not wanting to talk to them see them or even interact with them, I would leave. Not stay around making the both of us miserable, especially if I had another home to go to. I feel like he is just staying here to fuck with me. This is somehow his way of punishing me. But I have not nor do I know what I have done wrong if anything. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I highly doubt that the situation is even that serious. He is just highly sensitive but I am not his wife. So often me find a reason to push a woman away when they feel like they are getting close to her. And in this case, for no apparent reason. I really do not have time to sit and pine over why this man is giving me the silent treatment in my own home...a place where he does not pay a dime to come and go as he pleases. Anyone would be grateful to have someone be Ellen deGenerous enough to allow you to move in with them, even give you a key, and full rights as if your name was on the lease alone! Not only that, but you live here rent free, utility free, cable free, and even a little affection now and them. All this in an attempt to help you get back on your feet, make you feel empowered as a man, have a supportive woman to back you. And what do I get in return?? An uppity negro who has all but forgot his place. Forgot that his name does NOT exist on this lease, forgotten that he pays NO bills, forgotten that I work three jobs only to come home, cook, and clean. I was supportive of his working in the studio, I was the one stressing about how to get him out of jail TWICE (though neither was his fault) I was there. And I get his ass to kiss. I can think of maybe one or two reasons why he could be upset. 1) One of my best girlfriends called one day fussing at me because I let him stay with me. She said all kinds of random things, ranting and raving, mainly because she is bi-polar. At any rate, I was lying next to him and I assume he heard and got his feelings hurt. The same instance happened when she came over and we talked on my balcony. Either way, all the things we talked about, mainly my frustration with the fact that since I don't ask him to pay anything to stay with me, the least he could do is take out the trash, clean the tub, or not treat my entire house like his clother hamper.  I still have to come home and clean up after a grown man. ANY woman who has ever lived with a man knows that to be a grave pet peeve!!!!! Xanga...what to do??

An ex and I have not been friends on fb for years and now that he is no longer with his ex, he feels liberated to add me. At first, I questioned whether or not I should because then I would probably see more than I'd want to see about any aspect of his life. But I convinced myself that I was being silly and added him anyway. We talk from time to time by phone, text, or web cam. And occasionally the "Us" topic resurfaces. Most recently it was in reference to his pursuing relationships while I'm lingering in the background of his mind. At any rate, this morrning during the perusing of my usual websites I saw a change in his profile picture that reflected his current romantic situation. Immediately I became jealous because I am not in that category of women which the profile picture described. I'm being completely neurotic at this point. I am glad that I can recognize that. But I don't understand why I feel this way. I don't know if that means I can't handle seeing him with other women or if I'm afraid that they are better than I am. I think that is my fear overall because that has been my original sentiment during our 5 year relationship including the other woman. I want so badly to get past this, the feelings of jealousy and rage, feeling of betrayal. Perhaps it would be best if we don't acknowledge the US, even if we both still have feelings for each other. It honestly just hurts my feelings to talk to him one day about how much he still loves me and the next see his 'preference'. I'm happy that he could potentially be involved with someone who could make him happy. That is the honest truth. I'm just not apart of that elite group of people he prefers to choose from. Neurotic. Just neurotic. I'll be ok tomorrow lol.